I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
