Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
