you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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