My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
