I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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