why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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