I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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