if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
