My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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