I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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