Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
