i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
