Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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