i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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