the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
