I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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