It's Friday. Sex?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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