dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
