I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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