Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
