In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
