Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
