He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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