so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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