I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
