my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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