I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
