my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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