walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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