I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
