Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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