Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
