If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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