I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
