I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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