dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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