Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
