I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
