Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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