I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
