My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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