i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
