You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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