some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
