If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
