The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
as a side note pls kill me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
