just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
