so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
