From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
