What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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