Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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