My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
