look no pants
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
