yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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