he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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