I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
