I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
