I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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