The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
